Far Too Long Since My Last Rant

Today, I want to talk about horrible Floridian drivers. Most motorists in Florida are despicable people. California has a reputation for bad drivers, but my experience is that it's largely undeserved. Sure, there are jerks that don't know how to drive, but most are fine in California (excluding Los Angeles, of course). Florida is the opposite of that. Finding someone who knows how to drive in Florida is about as rare as finding yourself needing the product that a telemarketer is pushing on you.

Tallahassee is particularly horrible, because the traffic lights in this town are basically Satan's feces smeared all over his domain (which is, of course, Tallahassee). The traffic lights are based on timers, not sensors, and whoever the city planner was that decided on the timing is a moron. Mordecai Brown could have counted on the fingers of his right hand the number of traffic lights that are reasonable in this city. I can't tell you the amount of times I've stopped at a red light and had literally zero cars go by the opposite direction. Infuriating. This leads to a lot of people running red lights. In response, the benevolent City of Tallahassee has adjusted the timers to be more realistic and added sensors for particularly troublesome lights in town. OH WAIT. Nope, instead they instituted traffic cameras and are now pulling in $6,000 a day while decreasing yellow light time to perpetuate their scam. And yet state workers are facing pay cuts, increased costs for benefits, and layoffs. Oh, also: there has been no impact on safety from these cameras. It's just a revenue-generating scheme!

But hey, I'm way off topic. I'm trying to talk about bad drivers, not the inherently repugnant legal system we have here in town (probably not limited to just Tallahassee, but most of the country, really). I'm just going to point out my three favorite idiot moves of which Florida drivers are regularly guilty:

1. On the freeway, I generally drive about 5 MPH over the speed limit. Many sections of the interstates here in Florida are two-lane, and there's no way I'm getting behind the 18-wheelers on the right side. I'm perfectly happy to get over for cars moving faster than I am and I usually do so. HOWEVAH, at night these faster moving cars like to flash their brights to let you know they're coming. This makes me very angry. The moment those brights flash, I become a total dick and obstinately refuse to move over. If they persist in blinding me, I make sure to get next to a car in the right lane to block them off. Yes, I realize this contributes to the problem of bad drivers in Florida, but it's freaking insane to flash your brights at someone moving at 75 mph. I'd be interested in finding out just how many accidents this causes.

2. This is surely a problem everywhere (I certainly experienced it in California), but the ridiculously loud stereos that seem designed to project sound out of the car rather than into it seem to be more prevalent here in Tallahassee. I don't know what these people are trying to prove, other than the fact that they are filthy cockmongers. It's worst when they drive by my apartment at 3:00 AM, engines revving and music blaring. They really should get pulled over for this ridiculous behavior.

3. This one pisses me off more than anything else on the Tallahassee roads. You know when you're at an intersection waiting to turn left and there's no dedicated left turn signal? Tallahassee drivers: You are supposed to pull out in the intersection while you wait to turn, preferably enough to allow the car behind you to pass over the stop line. I can't tell you how many times I've had to wait through two or more red lights waiting to turn left, even when I'm second or third in line. These are the kinds of things that drive someone to insanity. I don't have twenty minutes to drive a mile.

Anyway, now it's time for me to stop ranting and have some fun. (Haha, yeah right. Everyone knows I just had a lot of fun with that rant. I just love hating so much!)

Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something completely random, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)

"But I'd rather sit back, just smoke cigarettes, be the one with the loudest mouth, be the most closed minded as I could get." Less Than Jake, "Sugar in Your Gas Tank"

Incidentally, I saw Less Than Jake play a couple weeks ago. It was surprisingly spectacular, and they played a bunch of songs from Losing Streak, which is very important. The show would have sucked with no songs from their best album.

Beard of the day:

Christian Bale, as everyone knows, is badass. Then he grew this awesome beard and he became a BAMF. Like me, Batman lacks connectors, but this is totally okay. I like the way he trims it up on the side but grows it thick under his chin. It's certainly not a chin strap (those are lame), but just a little heavier underneath while keeping it neat around the edges. The color is interesting, too. It doesn't quite match his hair, but this is not a problem. I can't say that he's quite taken over for Johnny Depp as my man crush, but with this beard, he's totally on the way. We'll see how Dark Knight Rises is.

Something I hate that most people like:

I can't really think of anything profound. I guess I'm just filled with love today! How about...bananas? Most people like bananas, right? I think they're gross. Ewww.

Delicious food of the moment:

Yogurt Mountain frozen yogurt. This place just opened and...holy crap. I've been frequenting YM way too often, but it's just so good. I love self-serve yogurt places, but they are also inherently corrupt. Did you ever notice that they only provide HUGE cups in which to have your yogurt? Evil. I can't just put a little bit in the bottom! I've got to fill it a decent amount. If they provided a cup half the size, I'd fill it to overflowing, feel like I'm getting more, but would be actually getting less. Psychology is some weird stuff. You can consciously know something and still be unable to overcome the tendency of which you are perfectly aware is wrong and bad. Like my tendency to fill these huge cups with too much yogurt. A few weeks ago, there was a German chocolate flavor, and it was inhumanely good. Then they got rid of it after a week. And yet banana pudding (DISGUSTING) has stuck around since they opened. Management fail. However, I went a couple nights ago and they had a new Swiss chocolate flavor. I mixed it with some peanut butter yogurt and it was basically the best thing I've ever tasted. Again: holy crap.


First song to come up after pressing "shuffle" on my iPod:

"Look Down" from the Les Misérables soundtrack.

Some people dislike Les Misérables. Those people suck. It features pretty much the greatest requisite over-acting ever and it's just so sexy. I'm not sure if I like Jean Valjean or Javert more, I just know that they are both badass. Marius is pretty much "meh." Everyone likes Eponine, and I do too, but I don't think Cosette gets a fair shake. It's probably because actresses tend to sing her parts like an over-the-top soprano (oops, sorry for the redundancy there). This is a problem. Sing like you're in musical theater, not an opera!

Current album, book, video game, and television show:

Album: Keasbey Nights by Catch 22

My buddy gave me a copy of this album and I've been enjoying it for a week or so. Between discovering Streetlight Manifesto (which was formed from the remnants of this band) a few months ago and seeing Less Than Jake, I've been really into ska lately.

Book: Banker by Dick Francis; Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Since it's been so long since I posted, I'm going to go ahead and claim two. I actually started and finished Banker yesterday. It's my second Dick Francis book and I'll definitely read more. He fits into the genre of literature that isn't necessarily profound, but is hard to put down. Similar to Dan Brown books, except Dan Brown is a horrible writer who tells a good story. Dick Francis at least has a handle on the language.

I'm going to finish Crime and Punishment, but I must admit I'm finding it tough. Dostoevsky has a tendency to write paragraphs that are three or four pages long. It makes it hard to follow the action. I'm assuming he was just trying to save paper. In any case, The Brothers Karamazov was a significantly better piece of literature.

Funny story about the Dostoevsky. My wife gave me a bunch of books from her mom's house at Christmas and somehow I got it in my head that it was Tolstoy's War and Peace. I was quite shocked to learn that I was wrong. You know what they say about Russians--they all look the same! (And, you know, write the same.)

Video game: Dragon Age 2

I ordered this the other night and it hasn't arrived yet, so I don't have anything to say. But I'm excited. Damn excited. If I don't take five weeks to post again, it's quite possible this will remain my current video game next post. And then I'll have comments, too!

TV show: Parks and Recreation

This is Parks and Rec's second time in this position. The first time it was still new to me, but now I'm at the point where I think it's the best show on TV. Thursday has three great shows (The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation) and I have really come to look forward to P&R more than any of them. It's also better than Glee, The Simpsons, and maybe even How I Met Your Mother. All the characters are just so likable. In addition, there's Ron Swanson, who is my hero.

Obligatory photo of gorgeous starlet:




















Rashida Jones is also highly responsible for Parks and Rec's ascension to the top of my list. Just look at those bangs. Adorable.

Killing Time in the Courthouse

This is going to be a long post, because I have jury duty today and I need something to do. I hope you’re ready and resilient.

Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something completely random, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)

“Johnny Twobags doesn’t have the blues and it makes him sad, brings him down…but not down enough to have the blues.” The Vandals, “Johnny Twobags”

Beard of the day:

See below.

Something I hate that most people like:

Applause. Man, it’s really annoying when people applaud for something that doesn’t deserve it. My most recent experience happened just a few minutes ago. I’m currently sitting in the Leon County Courthouse, doing my civic duty as a potential juror in what I hope is an awesome felony trial. The county judge came in to explain the process to us and mentioned that today is her granddaughter’s third birthday. That’s cool, it really is. I hope she gets to spend some time with the little girl tonight. But when she told us, a few people decided this was worthy of applause and clapped for her. Fact: needless or over-indulgent applause will take up about nine months of an average person’s life. That’s enough time to grow a baby. (For the record, I made that statistic up. But I’m 99% sure it’s accurate.)

This happens all too often. It’s my birthday! Applause. I got out of a speeding ticket! Applause. The library waived my late fees! Applause. Just…stop. It’s truly not appropriate behavior. A public speaker can solicit applause without even trying and it’s annoying. People need to save their claps for when they’re really needed. I declare shenanigans.

As a musician, I have a special hatred for inappropriate applause. Nothing is more annoying than going to a concert and having some wiseass (or dumbass) decide that it’s appropriate to clap in between movements. This is another situation where it becomes clear that people are all too willing to jump on the applause bandwagon. If one guy claps between movements, even people who know it’s not appropriate will join him. I’m not going to lie, I’ve joined in once or twice myself. It's tough, because if people are going to clap, you don't want the performer to think that only half the audience appreciated the piece. But mostly, I fume. I fume because they’re wasting my time and, consequently, wasting my life.

Also annoying is the standing ovation. Standing ovations are appropriate when something is really, really good. But it’s been ages since I’ve been to a play, concert, or any other event with a curtain call that hasn’t invoked a standing ovation from the majority of the audience. I’ve seen some great shows in my time and I’m the first to stand when it’s deserved. But, from my perspective, people are getting frivolous with their bipedal accolades. It’s much harder to resist the swell of a standing ovation than an inappropriate applause moment. Many times I’ve thought something was worthy of vigorous and hearty, but seated, applause. However, when everyone in my section stands, it makes me look like a negative jerk if I don’t also rise from my seat. It’s a very tricky social situation, especially if you’re among friends. There’s nothing I love more than when three or four guys stand (and it’s almost always guys) and no one else follows suit. You only see this on rare occasions, but it does happen. And when it does, it’s beautiful.

Delicious food of the moment:

Pizza. I really prefer a New York style pizza, but when it comes down to it, I’ve never found a pizza that I truly hated. The closest is Domino's, but even that will do in a pinch. I have a lot to say about pizza, so if you don’t want to read the adoring rants of a foodaholic, it is best to scroll down. Way down, because this is going to be a veritable dissertation.

I went to college in a town that had a multitude of pizza options. There were four independent shops there. I’m going to take a moment to reminisce about all of them.

The worst of the four was Arcata Pizza and Deli. They had some pretty good stuff at APD, but it was generally overpriced and not as delicious as the other options. I may have only had their pizza once or twice, to be honest. Usually, if I went to APD, it would be for the cheese fries, not the $5 slices of pizza.

Live From New York blew APD out of the water. Huge slices for under $2 and no need for toppings due to the amazing cheese and sauce combination. Due to the size of the slices and the thinness of the crust, the best way to eat a slice from LFNY was to fold it in half and eat it like a pizza taco. Delicious.

Then you had Smug’s. Smug’s was amazing. They had no tables, so you either picked up your pie or grabbed a couple slices to eat on the street. You got two slices for $3 or $4, but they were not nearly as big as the other three places in town. Still, they couldn’t have tasted any better. What I really liked about Smug’s is that they sauced their pizzas all the way to the edge before folding the crust over. The delicious result was that the crust was filled with sauce. Occasionally, if you were lucky, they had slices sauced not with marinara, but with pesto. Heaven.

Finally, you had Big Pete’s. This shop opened after I had been in Arcata for a year or two, but it grew closest to my heart. (Long parenthetical aside: Smug’s was arguably better pizza, but Pete’s was in a better location, had places to sit, and was just a generally more fun, open atmosphere. Most important were the televisions. I went to Pete’s several times a week to have a slice while watching baseball. Good times.) Pete’s featured New York style pizza with an array of toppings and sauces. My favorite was a slice with marinara, fried eggplant, and huge smears of ricotta cheese. I’m not even a fan of eggplant, but this pizza was amazing. I also recall a pizza sauced with ranch that had chicken and other goodies topping it. There were barbeque pizzas, buffalo pizzas…so many good kinds of pizza. Oh, Pete’s how I adore you. How I miss you.

In my current town of Tallahassee, good pizza isn’t nearly as prevalent. The two best places in town are Brooklyn Pizza and Momo’s. Brooklyn has some great prices for whole pies, which makes it my usual preference. Momo’s features “slices as big as your head,” and their catchphrase is not an exaggeration. I like the atmosphere at Momo’s, but the pizza is more expensive and the sauce is thin and somewhat tasteless. I generally prefer their cheese bread.

Let’s move on to corporate pizza (I told you this was going to be long, didn’t I?). I’ve already mentioned that Domino’s is the absolute dregs, but what about other places?

Pizza Hut is serviceable because of the stuffed crust. Period. I have some dear friends that invited me over to share some Pizza Hut slices recently…and they didn’t get stuffed crust. I mean, it’s only $2 extra and it enhances the experience exponentially. If it’s a matter of cost, I will pay for the stuffed crust. If it’s a matter of taste, I may have to reevaluate my friendship with this particular couple (just kidding, guys!). Pizza Hut also fails to come through on its variety of toppings. They have pepperoni and sausage, which takes care of my meat preferences, but there is literally not one vegetable on Pizza Hut’s menu that I enjoy on my pizza. I generally get only one topping anyway, but when they have a three-topping special or whatnot, I’m generally left confused and alone. And they don’t allow for extra cheese to count as one of the toppings. Tragic.

Papa John’s used to be my favorite corporate pizza. I think it was due to the buttery garlic sauce that probably packs calories more densely than cheesecake. However, Papa John’s and I have grown apart in recent years. My last several experiences there have been average at best and bland at worst. Whereas Pizza Hut serves thick, cheesy slices filled with moisture and a delectable soft texture, Papa John’s is dry and crispy. In general, soft and chewy always wins out over hard and crispy.

Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesars (yes, I checked. They don't use the apostrophe like everyone else!) are both niche places that fill the need of cheap pizza fast. It’s a tough call to declare a superior of the two. Hungry Howie’s features flavored crusts and a $5.75 pizza ready in about ten minutes. Little Caesars, on the other hand, charges only $5 and the pizza is ready the moment you walk in. The 75 cents is basically inconsequential, but the convenience of Little Caesars goes a long way. Hungry Howie’s probably tastes a little better, but Little Caesars has a delicious buffalo ranch, which is a significant point in its favor. I declare this one a draw.

This brings up another important point. Pizza is perfect on its own, but in the last five years I have discovered the wonders of ranch or bleu cheese dressing as an enhancement to the experience (also buffalo sauce!). On the surface, this is innocuous, but at a deeper level, I’m concerned. A creamy salad dressing adds way more calories than an already calorie-loaded pizza provides and may just be distracting from the flavor of the combination of ingredients that make up one of man’s finest accomplishments. On the other hand, it tastes good.

Just a little more hunger-inducing prose, I promise. My current favorite place is Flippers Pizzeria in Orlando. They have several locations in the area and I’m down there for work and recreation often enough that I’ve had their pizza at least six times in the last six months. It’s not New York style, but the crust is the perfect texture and thickness to not overwhelm the rest of the formula. The sauce is flavorful and delicious, the cheese is applied in just the perfect quantity, and the toppings. Oh, the toppings. My wife and I have found that we prefer the shredded sirloin steak and chopped hot Italian sausage, but they have numerous other mouth-watering choices. Pesto, artichoke hearts, multiple kinds of sausage and meatballs…so many choices, so little opportunity. Finally, their bleu cheese dressing is the best I’ve ever had. I kid you not. Flippers Pizzeria, at least for now, wins the heavyweight championship belt of BEST PIZZA PLACE EVER.

First song to come up after pressing “shuffle” on my iPod:

Today, I’m going to cheat. I’m trying to give myself plenty to write while I have time to kill, and the first random song is one to which I’m not sure I have ever listened. So I’m going to remove superfluous junk from my iPod right now so that a song about which I actually have something to say will be selected. Aaaaand…done. This is the only time I’m going to cheat. Promise. (At least until another day where I have hours and hours to kill arrives. Then I’ll probably cheat again.) Let me just say, I’m not cheating to avoid embarrassment—I just don’t have anything to say about a lot of the stuff on my iPod.

“Polly” by Nirvana.

This is one of the first songs I learned on the guitar and perhaps the first that I was able to sing and play at the same time. Like all Nirvana songs, it’s incredibly easy, so it’s not surprising that this would be the case.

I missed Nirvana by about five years. At the height of Kurt Cobain’s fame, I was only eight or nine and hadn’t really been exposed to any pop music, much less Nirvana. I wrote here about my experience of hearing “Rape Me” for the first time. However, between 1999 and 2001, I made up for missing Nirvana’s heyday in kind. I got all of their albums and listened to them incessantly. I learned all of the songs on my guitar. I even read a biography of Kurt Cobain.

Nowadays, I barely listen to Nirvana, but I still keep them on my iPod. Hence, “Polly.”

Current album, book, video game, and TV show:

Album: The Decline by NOFX

I’ve really reinvigorated my love of punk rock lately. NOFX is one of my all-time favorite bands and I had about ten years of catch up to do. I was familiar with The Decline at the height of my punk obsession, but I’ve really grown to love it lately. From the opening lines, “Where are all the stupid people come? | And how’d they get to be so dumb?” to the final fadeout, this 18-minute song (the only song on the album) hits on just about everything wrong in this country. While I don’t agree with every stance NOFX takes, I am impressed by their dedication to their beliefs. These guys don’t half-ass anything and it shows. Hence, they’ve lasted for nearly 30 years and are still going strong.

Book: The Book of Lights by Chaim Potok

This is the third Potok book I’ve read in a row and fourth overall. I’m only about 60 pages in, but I’m not enjoying quite as much as The Chosen, The Promise, or My Name is Asher Lev. That being said, it took me a while to get into the story of Asher Lev, so we’ll see where this book takes me.

Video game: Lego Harry Potter

My wife doesn’t play a lot of video games with me, but she enjoyed (or at least claimed to enjoy) playing Lego Star Wars. Given that Harry Potter is better than Star Wars (BLASPHEMY), this seemed like a no-brainer. And it has certainly been fun so far.

(Hey, just a quick aside. The Star Wars movies are infinitely better than the Harry Potter movies. But the Harry Potter books absolutely dominate the Star Wars movies. Still, comparing books to movies is an unfair comparison, since movies are, as a rule, inferior to books. Just had to make that clear.)

TV show: Dexter

I’ve been hearing buzz about this show for a while, so I watched the first two seasons over the last couple weeks. BAD. ASS. This show is not for the faint of heart, but I hardly fit into that group. After all, I AM A PRODUCT OF THE LATE TWENTIETH CENTURY AND HAVE BEEN PROPERLY DESENSITIZED TO VIOLENCE AND DEBAUCHERY. Being that I’m from the computer era, I should also know better than to type a sentence in all caps. I apologize. No, hold your applause. Seriously.

Beard of the day/Obligatory photo of gorgeous starlet:

This may not be the best picture of Natalie Portman ever (far from it, really), but she's standing here with a Hasidic Jew and it is awesome. I really like Jews. I'm not Jewish myself, but there's something about their culture that really appeals to me. It could be the beards.

Something Good, Something Bad, Something Angry, Something Sad

Something good:
I played catch for the first time in ages today. I intend to do it more often. It was really, really fun until the sun came out, at which point it became hellish. And it's only March.

Something bad:
It's only March. And when the sun is out, it's hellish. Gosh, I hate Tallahassee.
Something angry:
Gas prices magically jumped from about $3.15 to $3.50. I know I'm a spoiled American and Europeans pay way more, but the fact is that I'm an American and I deserve to pay less money. I think it's in the constitution or whatever.

Something sad:
Gaby Sanchez will not be joining my fantasy team this year. Thus far in the draft, I haven't really missed out on anyone I was targeting whom I also thought I had a chance to get on my team. Sanchez was the first. Let us all hope he will be the last.

Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something COMPLETELY EFFING RANDOM, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)
"Your skin is something that I stir into my tea."
-Joanna Newsom, "Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie"

Something I hate that most people like:Pink Floyd. I can't really enunciate why I dislike them so much, but I really do. I guess the fact that I've never tried acid has something to do with it. One time I was watching this animated version of Dark Side of the Moon with my way overboard hippie ex-girlfriend. Watching what I perceived as disturbing images while listening to music that was designed purely to be trippy was making me feel literally sick to my stomach. I asked her to turn it off. She was so freaking pissed.

First song to come up after pressing "shuffle" on my iPod:"Bob" from the NOFX/Rancid BYO Split Series.

I don't remember how I discovered this particular gem of brilliance, but can I just say that this is pretty much the greatest idea ever? Two great bands take six songs from the other group and cover them. HEAVEN. You don't have to actually like punk to realize that this is an epic idea. THINK ABOUT IT.

Current album, book, video game, and TV Show:Album: Energy by Operation Ivy
Book: My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok
Video Game: Mass Effect 2
TV Show: Parks and Recreation

Obligatory picture of gorgeous starlet:















Oh, Zooey. Your superiority knows no bounds.

The Hunger Games Has Left Me Satiated

More than a year ago, a friend recommended that I check out this book called The Hunger Games. It sounded good to me, but I didn't get around to it until last week. Lucky thing, too! Completely by coincidence, I picked up the first book of the trilogy six days before the final book was published—meaning I only had a short wait for the conclusion of the series. I finished Mockingjay last night, and I can't think of any word to describe it but incredible.

A word mainly to my family, who are the main (and probably only) readers of this blog: don't read my review until you've read this series. I'm serious. Move the mouse cursor to the right hand corner of the screen, and press the red box with the "X" in it. Did you do it? If not, then I'm going to assume you've already read the series. If this isn't the case, reconsider what I have said. You don't have to do this. Don't let me spoil a great story for you! Still here? Good. I'm glad you've read the books.

First, some general observations apart from the plot.

"Young Adult" Classification: To some extent, I can understand why. The protagonist is sixteen (later seventeen) years old and, despite some necessary maturing from an early age, essentially has the mental and emotional capacities of an adolescent. I understand that kids want to read about kids, but these books are just as appropriate for adults, if not more so. Frankly, I don't think teenagers will be able to fully appreciate the profundity of the ultimate messages of the series. Sure, they'll have an emotional reaction (it's impossible not to), but I just can't imagine a fourteen-year-old taking in a greater message than that she is sad or happy for the characters. Despite the classification for a younger audience, these books are at the same reading level as any of Dan Brown's or John Grisham's books—and better written, too. I suppose it's necessary to target a demographic, but it's a shame that many parents will push these books aside because their kids are reading them.

The Writing Style: At first I found the present tense jarring, but that lasted for only a few pages. I can't even imagine this book in standard past tense. The present tense adds to the suspense, the absorption, the investment. The first-person narration is nothing new, of course, but the execution—the way Ms. Collins draws you into the world and lets you see it through this troubled girl's eyes—is fantastic. Furthermore, she finds an excellent balance between descriptive storytelling and not burdening the reader with unnecessary details. Many things are left unsaid, but this is only occasionally frustrating.

Continuity: I don't know why I appreciate this, but the fact that all three books are approximately the same length (within fifteen pages of each other) really appeals to me. It just seems like they are three parts to the same story. In a series like Harry Potter, the longest book is nearly three times as long as the shortest. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that; it just places the emphasis on certain parts of the story at the expense of others. The Hunger Games trilogy has a great story arc. Each book has its own individual climax, yes, but there is also a clear goal that transcends the individual books.

If you read to this point and still haven't read the books, I suppose that's okay. But seriously, stop now. I'm going to start talking about plot, and you don't want to ruin it for yourself. I've given you every chance to walk away and go pick up the books. I wash my hands of the responsibility.

That's not true. Reader, I love you, but I don't trust you, so for your own protection, I'm going to avoid specifics as much as possible. However, I won't sacrifice my ability to share my thoughts, so I will stress again that continuing to read, if you haven't read the books, is a very bad idea.

I mentioned earlier the profundity of the message of the books, but it is a simple message: be nice to people; wars are bad; each human life is of worth. Maybe a fourteen-year-old could understand it, but if I had read the book when I was that age, I would have been wrapped up in the characters.

And getting wrapped up in the characters is so easy to do! Katniss, the narrator and protagonist of the story, is a fantastic character. To me, her greatest strengths are her weaknesses. It's so refreshing to have a protagonist who isn't perfect, who doesn't always know the right answers, who isn't even sure what she believes! It's not adolescent fickleness, but rather a depth of conflicting emotions and a response to the complicated world in which she lives. Katniss has a conscience throughout the series, despite being turned into a killer. It's this disparity that makes her such a great character. You don't know what she'll do next because not even she knows what she'll do next. At times she can be frustrating, but it only makes her more human.

The Peeta/Gale dynamic adds a lot to the story. Both are likeable, and I was never quite sure for whom I was rooting. Then, of course, I had to remind myself that it's possible Katniss will never open herself up to romance (for the best of reasons!). Nevertheless, they are both important to her, and you expect she'll have to make a decision eventually—unless one of them dies. I would have been okay with either decision, but her reasons for choosing who she does are all the right ones. And he certainly deserves it.

The real suspense in the books is the nature of the games themselves. In both books one and two, you are led to believe that only one of the characters will walk away alive. This leaves you with a sense of dread throughout the story, both because you like the characters and want them to survive, but also because you don't want Katniss to end up in a position where she is forced to kill someone like Rue. (Can you imagine?!) It's hard to beat that suspense, but in Mockingjay, where potentially everybody can survive, the suspense is arguably greater. When you know that they don't have to die, but very likely will, it leads to an even greater sense of urgency. Who will make it out alive, and how?

Snow manipulates Katniss in the end, but I believe what he tells her is the truth. And I'm glad Katniss did what she did. The real message here is that even the "good guys" aren't always good, but that doesn't mean the "bad guys" are either. Perhaps the idea is that there is no purity in the world. I could certainly get on board with that.

Finally, I appreciate that the author doesn't spare our feelings. From the first page of the first book, she's been willing to kill any and every character, except perhaps for the main three. Real life isn't fair, so why should a story about an unfair world end happily? At best, it's a bittersweet ending and at worst, it's soul-crushing. At first, I thought it was ridiculous to have both Peeta and Gale survive, but now I think that this was yet another way that Ms. Collins didn't pull any punches. If one of them had died, it would have been sad, but also—in a twisted way—convenient for Katniss. Instead, the decision of who to choose is put into Katniss's hands, which is ultimately more painful for her.

These were the first books in a long time which I absolutely could not put down. I won't recommend reading them at this point, because if you've made it this far, you should have already read them. And if you haven't, what's the point now? I may have avoided too many specifics, but I couldn't avoid them completely and you have pretty much ruined the series for yourself. So go read something else, and don't hold a grudge against me. I tried to warn you. I tried to protect you. Maybe next time you'll listen.

Fact: Movies are almost never as awesome as books

In the vast majority of cases, movies should not be based on books. There are several reasons for this:

1) No film could possibly portray the idiosyncrasies and internal struggles of characters that are written well. When the characters are good, why cheapen them with simplistic reproductions?

2) It creates lazy people who refuse to read good books because they have seen or will see the movie.

3) The imagination is stifled because all of the visuals the mind creates for the book are defined by the film maker.

4) When an author excels at writing dialogue, one can be sure that the film is going to mess it up.

5) Directors want to have an “artistic vision” for their films, which means changing the story to fit their own agenda and motivations.

There are more reasons; these were just the ones that came off the top of my head. The reason for writing this post, however, is to discuss an exception. What is this exception, you ask?

The Princess Bride.

I have a hard time believing that anyone, anywhere in the entire world has not seen this movie. It has been dubbed in 3,187 languages, shown more times than any movie in the history of theater, quoted 713% more often than all other films put together, and more erotic fan fiction has been written using its characters than even Twilight. (I didn’t check any of those facts, but I don’t have to because they’re obviously right.)

But here’s the thing. It was a book first! I won’t claim to have grown up knowing this. I grew up with the movie, as has everyone since its original production somewhere around the time of Noah (what staying power!), but it wasn’t until my late teens that I learned of the novel.

Now, maybe I’m not qualified to say how the movie stands up to the novel, since I’d seen the movie at least 700 times before reading the book. Most people aren’t upset at a book after being a fan of the movie, but every single person who has ever loved a book-become-film has wanted to murder the director of said film. These things being said, I’m granting myself the qualifications to judge this movie in comparison to the book because, as is obviously apparent, I can be completely objective on this topic and also avoid hyperbole.

What I’m not going to do is say that the movie is as good as the book. The movie is closer to my heart, yes. If I had to choose one, I’d choose the movie, which is saying a lot because books are inherently better at developing characters than films, and I take my fictional characters with such a degree of seriousness that most psychologists would be worried. The book is better, no question.

But Princess Bride: The Movie is the most perfect, most awesome adaptation of a book in the history of things. And why is this, do you ask? Because the novelist of the book also wrote the freaking screenplay. Taking this into consideration, I am making the following demand which, when I am king of the world (I predict ten years, tops), will be implemented as law: all screenplays based on books shall be written by the original author. And I know some of you film snobs are going to say, “But writing a script is way different than writing a novel!!!” To you, I say this: you clearly don’t understand awesome things. In my completely open-minded and objective way, I declare myself right and you wrong. Fin.

Harry Potter's Wand is a Golden Rod of Awesome

Sometimes I feel like just one more sheep when I admit that the Harry Potter books are among my favorite, possibly my absolute favorite, books of all time. I am certainly not embarrassed to admit this—anyone who has read the series knows that all the hype is well deserved. And yet, as something of a nonconformist, I sometimes wish that my favorite book was an esoteric French novel or an ancient Chinese tome. My taste in television, music, and movies may not be absolutely obscure, but it is at least a little quirky. There is nothing quirky about my love for Harry Potter. Everyone enjoys J.K. Rowling’s masterworks (naysayers and better-nonconformists-than-me aside).

I have been reading the Harry Potter books since seventh grade. Harry, Ron, and Hermione have been close to my heart for more than half of my life. At the time I first started reading, the first three books were all that had been published. If I recall correctly, I read them four times each. I don’t remember how long I had to wait for The Goblet of Fire, but I do vividly remember getting it on the Saturday it came out, opening it at 8 PM, and finishing at 10 AM the next morning, just in time to go to church at 11 AM (I do not, as one might expect, recall that church meeting at all).

Ever since I fell in love with the first three books all those years ago, I have looked forward to the entire series being published. Not because of a desire for closure (I want it to go on forever!), but because of a long time plan to read the series from beginning to end, with no long waits in between books. Last night, I finished The Deathly Hallows. It took me 23 days to get through all seven books: not a record, I’m sure, but plenty respectable considering my many other interests and distractions.

The Books

So now, without further ado, I will launch into my rankings of the books. I’m going to list them from most superior to least superior, and give some comments on each book.

Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince – Year Six

The series truly hit its stride with this masterpiece. Easily my favorite book among the seven, Rowling balances darkness and light with absolute mastery. Getting to know Dumbledore throughout the book was like a Christmas present. And then there was the cave. Wow. Just wow. Incidentally, I still trusted Snape after this book, but I couldn’t figure out the circumstances in which he was still Dumbledore’s man.

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallow – Year Seven

What a surprise that Harry wasn’t going back to school! All along, you figured he would be at Hogwarts until the end of the series, so the entire setting of this book was a twist. I liked this one so much more the second time. I was not disappointed when I read it shortly after its release, but I was not absolutely gushing over it. For some reason, I am feeling in a gushy mood this second time.

The most commonly heard complaint about the book is the long section in the middle where Harry, Ron, and Hermione are fighting continuously and not really doing anything. I thought this portion of the book ran a little long, but it illustrated how Voldemort was tearing families, friendships, and communities apart just as much through fear and confusion as through murder and torture. No, my main complaint about the book is the epilogue. While it is nice to see that everyone lived happily ever after, what I really wanted to know was what everyone did for a living. Besides this disappointment, the epilogue just didn’t move me.

Snape was indeed a good guy, and not only does Rowling make that undoubtedly clear, but she inspires sympathy for him (and to a lesser extent, Draco) that one never expected to have. All of a sudden, Snape is one of the biggest heroes in the series: after Dumbledore dies, no one knows that he is still opposing Voldemort. There is simply nothing to gain by continuing to work against the Dark Lord, but Snape does it anyway.

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire – Year Four

I could have easily put The Prisoner of Azkaban here, but I didn’t for a few reasons. One is purely my love of reading: GoF offers twice as many pages as PoA. Another is the scene in the graveyard. The return of Voldemort was an epic turning point in the series and, as a reader, there was no turning back after this book.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban – Year Three

The anomaly of the series, PoA is the one book that doesn’t feature Voldemort as the principle villain. Expertly written, but always painful to read, as things go wrong in just about every way they can. No one could have realized it until Book Four, but Pettigrew getting away was the turning point in the story.

Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone – Year One

This book introduced us to the world of wizards. The first visit to Diagon Alley will always live in my heart as a special memory, even though I only participated vicariously.

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets – Year Two

The only reason this book is this low in my rankings is because the other books were so good. There’s nothing really wrong with CoS, it just has tough competition. Note the expert storytelling in that the climax of this book became of the utmost importance four books later.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix – Year Five

I will always be slightly traumatized that this, clearly the worst book of the series, is 200 pages longer than the next book, the best in the series. The main things I didn’t like about the book: lack of Dumbledore, way too much Umbridge, boring giant storyline, and more than anything else, the lack of Voldemort. At the end of the fourth book, I couldn’t wait until the epic battles of good versus evil. We still get battles of good versus evil, but they are psychological battles of good Harry versus evil Umbridge.

To me, Umbridge is second only to Voldemort as principle villain in the series. Book Seven shows us that she only gets worse, so why does she never get her comeuppance? So she spent some time being tortured (or whatever) by the centaurs. She doesn’t appear to have been permanently scarred by that experience, and she goes on to do so much bad to so many people, under the guise of being the “good guy.” This makes her possibly worse than Voldemort, and the fact that she neither redeems herself nor receives a punishment is the biggest disappointment of the entire series for me. Then again, the fact that I hate her so much might just be an indication of how well Rowling wrote her character. All I can say is that this book should have been 500 pages, and 175 pages should have been added to each of the subsequent books to make up for it.

Analysis

I really would like to know what makes these books so enthralling. I have read a lot of books in my life. I am lucky to have diverse interests and book-cover-judging skills that allow me to say that I have rarely read a book that I have not liked in some way. I finish 99 percent of the books I begin reading, and almost always have good things to say about them once they are concluded. So what makes Harry Potter so special? Is it the writing, the story, the characters, or something else? I have some thoughts on the matter, and though one would be better served just going and reading The Sorcerer’s Stone (which will surely take less time than reading my musings), I am going to address at least some of these thoughts.

Essentially, Harry has no life until the first book—his abuse and neglect at the hands of the Dursleys makes it clear that his was an unremarkable life. So from age 10 to 18 (give or take a few months), we live the parts of Harry’s life that matter right along with him. He knows nothing of his parents, and what he learns, we learn. He knows nothing of the world from which he comes, so we are given the treat of discovering that world with him. When it comes right down to it, he is thrust into such a different life that none of his past experiences matter. We know everything about this character there is to know because we experience everything right alongside him. This is significant.

One of the reasons that Rowling’s books are so great is that she manages to find a balance between story arcs within the books and story arcs linking the books. I am curious just how much she had planned when she first started writing. Did she know, for example, that the diary from Book Two would be revealed as a horcrux as we approached the conclusion of the series? Ultimately, it does not matter whether she had a plan or not. What matters is how well she fit things together. If she had opted out of the epilogue in the seventh book, I could say that she gave us answers for everything that truly mattered and left everything else open ended enough to let us enjoy our imaginations. Even with the epilogue, it was still a completely satisfying ending without feeling like we were being spoon fed a conclusion. (A recent series finale of a TV show—rhymes with Cost—took the exact opposite approach: answer none of the questions that matter, and spoon feed us an ending that doesn’t particularly make us think).

Continuing to speak to the series as a whole, Rowling does a fantastic job of avoiding the pit into which authors of other series fall: the form written book. I have read plenty of these series in my time, and they can be entertaining. But by the third Redwall book I read, I knew what was going to happen in each of the subsequent books (I read about a dozen of them from elementary through high school). Harry Potter keeps you on your toes the entire time. Yes, there is a certain deus ex machina element to the series and the ways in which Harry and company get out of trouble often seem contrived. Nevertheless, we are in a world of magic, so anything can happen.

My one complaint about this world of magic is the very primitive technology that wizards and witches use. One thing that comes to mind is the use of quills for writing. Why? It is completely pointless. Use ballpoint pens, magic computers, or just write with your mind. Or at least have quills that have magically endless sources of ink, rather than needing to keep ink on hand! You start to think, as the series goes on, that the wizarding world has it so much easier than the muggle world. But how much easier is typing an essay than writing one by hand? Or using separate sheets of paper rather than rolls of parchment? It adds to the level of mystique the world holds, but it is impractical. And with people like Dumbledore and Hermione around, you would think that some people, at least, would sway toward practicality. Still, this is a small complaint, and one that didn’t bother me while reading the books. Only in retrospect do I really consider this so strange.

Conclusion

Both times I have finished The Deathly Hallows, I have felt a certain emptiness after the final sentence of the book. Over the years, I was always sad to finish each book as it was published, but this is different. The series has been concluded. There is nothing to which I can look forward. The upcoming movies are not a comfort—they had been okay until The Half-Blood Prince, which absolutely ruined my favorite book. No, the movies are entertaining, but they are hardly worth my excitement. Harry, Ron, and Hermione have been my friends for 13 years, and now they are effectively dead. Selective amnesia would be most welcome every couple of years—let me forget the books completely and get lost in the word all over again.

It is unlikely that J.K. Rowling will ever write anything more about Harry directly, but I find it hard to believe she will not return to the world of magic[al writing]. Then again, she may want to expand her horizons and, after living in luxury for a few years, she may return to the keyboard only to create a new and different world. I am sure it will be entertaining, but I doubt she could ever recreate the phenomenon she created with Harry Potter. The time line in the epilogue indicates that there are five to six years between the end of Book Seven and the birth of Ginny’s and Hermione’s children. Do we want to rejoin Harry in his life? Or perhaps we might enjoy a series about James, Albus, Lily, Rose, and Hugo at Hogwarts? Personally, I think I would prefer a prequel series. Dumbledore’s life would be great. It would also be nice to learn about the early lives of Lily and James Sr. or some of the Hogwarts teachers. She could also take a much different route and give us a story about Voldemort’s life, or the lives of other dark wizards. If J.K. Rowling does write more books using the characters from the series, what would you most like to see?