Music, Beards, and Something to Make Hippies Angry

...come to think of it, there's a lot of things I do to make hippies angry.

Nothing extra today, just a list-style post.

Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something completely random, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)

"Oh, the snot has caked against my pants...it has turned into crystal."
Love, "Live and Let Live"

Beard of the day:

Let's continue with the baseball beards. Bruce Sutter, the grandfather of the splitter, was also an impressive connoisseur of facial hair. While he lacks the good fortune to be wearing Giants gear, his beard is no less impressive than that of Brian Wilson. He pulls off the impressive trick of having a thick beard without looking sloppy (some may argue he needs a haircut, but how could one argue against such finely-honed facial hair?). This is a guy you look at and say, "I bet that guy gets some serious tail with that beard." I'm sure he did. He's Brucefreaking Sutter. Note his dazed look. He's clearly tired from being up all night doing it with beard groupies. What a man.


Something I hate that most people like:
Flip-flops! Or sandals of any kind, really. I just don't find it comfortable, man. I've tried to like flip-flops at various times in my existence, but they tend to hurt the top of my feet and in between my toes. The flapping around bugs me because my mobility is hindered, and I can't stand my feet getting super dirty. Also, I don't know how anyone could walk into a bathroom with flip-flops on. I'm surprised most of the people in California, Florida, and Hawaii haven't acquired major filth-borne illnesses (not that I'm particularly squeamish, but it's just gross). Flip-flops will never be my friends.

HOWEVAH, I do like shoes that go on quickly and easily. I've worn Vans for years, even though I've never owned a skateboard. It's just that you can tie them once and then just slip them on and off easily. My last four or five pairs of shoes have been the exact same all-black Vans. I wear them for work, play, church, and everything else I have to do. People probably think I'm really disrespectful, but I just don't believe that we should be judged on clothes. The problem with my Vans is that I have to wear them with socks, which is fine except if I just want to go out to check the mail or whatever.

I'm thinking of getting a pair of crocs, as they can be worn sockless and offer more support than stupid flip-flops. Also acceptable would be a pair of slippers with a hard sole. I had these memory foam slippers with a hard sole once. They were heaven. I was a grad assistant at the time and I even taught class in them. So very nice. Then I wore them in the rain and they got ruined. I miss those slippers.

Delicious food of the moment:
Chipotle burrito bols (sic, in case you doubt my awesomeness). I take my Chipotle very seriously, but I've only gotten a burrito there twice. Both times were a disappointment. The proportions are just all wrong and they don't mix it up at all (yes, I know they will, but it wouldn't help enough, anyway).

For years I got the soft tacos. I would always get four so that I could get one with each type of meat. Then I got a bite of the hard shell tacos and I was temporarily converted. Then last year my sister introduced me to the glory that is the burrito bol. I have a very specific formula: rice, two scoops of black beans, a scoop of pinto beans, half barbacoa, half carnitas, hot salsa, enough sour cream to drown a squirrel, and cheese. Get some tortilla chips with which to scoop it all up and you have a masterpiece of faux-Mexican perfection. Also, an extra thing of hot salsa to dump on it when the sour cream is gone. I have one complaint: the corn has little chunks of onion in it. Otherwise, I'd totally add the corn to the epic goodness. As is, Chipotle is the food of the gods.

First song to come up after pressing "shuffle" on my iPod:
"When It Comes Down To You" by Against All Authority.

Despite a great band name, I don't know enough about this to really comment. I decided to try out their music recently and while I don't hate it, I haven't felt particularly compelled to continue listening. In listening to this song, I can say that I like the horns.

Boring one this time, but not quite embarrassing. Get ready. It will come.

Current album and TV show:

Album: Everything Goes Numb by Streetlight Manifesto

I'm not going to lie. This album rocks my socks. And as you can probably tell from above, I am usually wearing socks. Guys, ska is really, really good when mixed with punk rock. It's just the way of the world. If you can't accept this, then you really need to review your priorities in life.

TV Show: Glee

Look, I'm not going to lie. I love Glee. How can I possibly deny something so good? Tuesday's episode featured Gwyneth Paltrow, to which I say "meh." Her character isn't as great as everyone seems to think. In fact, she's rather one-dimensional and not particularly likable in her single dimension. She also failed to be sexy in an episode entitled "Sexy." That's a problem. She pulls off pretty, but doesn't really have any appeal beyond that.

What was awesome was the treatment of Santana and Brittany's relationship. Kurt has always annoyed me. I feel like they've dealt with his homosexuality in a preachy, stereotypical, and sometimes offensive way. Santana and Brittany were dealt with in tenderness and something with legitimate feeling (especially surprising, given the characters).

Also, "Landslide" was really, really good. I just wish Gwyneth Paltrow hadn't been involved. Of course, she's better than Stevie Nicks. I hate Fleetwood Mac.

Obligatory photo of gorgeous starlet:

I used to like Rachel, but the more I watch the show, it seems like Quinn is the best looking one. Or maybe Santana. Hard to say.

Good Husband/Bad Husband and Other Randomness

So, I went to the chiropractor today and I realized something random about myself. This incredibly good looking girl was giving me a massage and I started having this fantasy of her propositioning me. Now, you might think that I'm a terrible husband, but the thing is this: in my little daydream, I chuckle and say, "Well, I'm very flattered, but you see, I'm married and I totally love my wife. I'm sorry to deprive you of the awesome that is me, but you're a pretty girl and I'm sure you'll find someone whose beard might someday have the potential to match my own. Now, continue rubbing me in a sensual but non-erotic way. Thank you!" When I really take a close look at it, I realize that I do this all the time. I'm constantly hoping hot girls will hit on me so that I can flash my left hand and shoot them down (gently, because I'm not a jerk). Of course, in order for girls to hit on me, I would need to have something that appealed to them. An epic beard only takes one so far. So am I a good husband because I fantasize about breaking girls hearts on behalf of my wife or am I a bad husband because I fantasize about other girls, never mind the capacity?

Guys don't generally get hit on, anyway. I'm pretty sure the only time that I have been hit on was a joke. I was at this sports bar, not to socialize or drink or really do anything except watch the MLB playoffs (I didn't have cable, you see). Of course,it was a Friday night so the bar is packed, so I find a chair, plant myself in the middle of the floor with the best view of the TV, and ignore everything going on around me. (I'm pretty sure it was the 2007 NLCS, because I remember the Rockies were playing. I'm too lazy to look up who they beat, but this is all beside the point, anyway.) This cute brunette came up to me and said, imitating Austin Powers, "Do I make you horny, baby?" I looked up for a couple seconds, shrugged, and said, "Yeah, a little." Then I turned my attention back to the game. I expect her girlfriends dared her to come over to talk to me as a gag. I mean, I was sitting in a chair by myself in a crowded bar watching TV with no food or drink. I don't see how I could have been particularly alluring. I hope I didn't ruin her night by making her think she got shot downby a loser. It's just...baseball!
Now for some more randomness.
Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something completely random, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)
"The corner store sells finer scotch...but who's got uncut powder?"
-NOFX, "Herojuana"

Beard of the day:

As this is my first "beard of the day" feature, I have to start with the man himself, Brian Wilson. Look at those connectors. Those are manly connectors. The thickness, the texture...it's all just so good. He is also wearing the orange-billed Giants hat, which earns him extra points of pure awesome. Does he dye or does it just adapt? Who cares?! This is a perfect example of a perfect beard. End of story. You're welcome.

Something I hate that most people like:Olives. Their texture is gross. Their flavor is disgusting. Their ability to ruin otherwise wonderful Mexican, Italian, or Greek food is downright horrifying. How people can eat these little fruits of the devil is beyond me. Like with most food I hate, I want to like them. I see those bars at the grocery store with all the various spiced and stuffed olives and I wish that I liked them so I could get the ones filled with cheese. But I can't, so I don't. They are evil and they ruin some of my otherwise favorite foods. Down with olives!

Delicious food of the moment:

Cheez-Its! How is it possible for one cracker to pack so much cheesy punch? Other crackers are good, but they're better with peanut butter or gouda or some delicious form of soft cheese. Cheez-Its do not need help being delicious. They simply exist and it is deliciousness enough. Wash them down with a nice gold glass of milk and you have a snack that you will not regret. Goldfish never stood a chance! Viva la Cheez-Its!

First song to come up after pressing "shuffle" on my iPod:"Ramble On" by Led Zeppelin.

Besides "Stairway to Heaven," this is the first song that made me aware of Led Zeppelin. It's sad that, while a literally perfect song, "Stairway" managed to overshadow everything else the group ever did. When it comes to pure rock, Led Zeppelin is quite honestly the pinnacle of everything society has always worked toward. And yet, most people only know of them for one song that doesn't really fit in with everything else they did and perpetuates the problem of rock songs reaching past eight minutes. "Ramble On" is a better example of how much they rock at a more reasonable playtime, but it doesn't really show off their blues roots (See Led Zeppelin I for that).

Man, that's the second awesome song that's come up since I started doing this. I have way more embarrassing/lame stuff on my iPod. It's just a matter of time before I am forced to publicly humiliate myself. I can't wait.

Obligatory photo of gorgeous starlet:

Cobie Smulders makes Christmas in March possible. It's just what she does.

Something Good, Something Bad, Something Angry, Something Sad

Something good:
I played catch for the first time in ages today. I intend to do it more often. It was really, really fun until the sun came out, at which point it became hellish. And it's only March.

Something bad:
It's only March. And when the sun is out, it's hellish. Gosh, I hate Tallahassee.
Something angry:
Gas prices magically jumped from about $3.15 to $3.50. I know I'm a spoiled American and Europeans pay way more, but the fact is that I'm an American and I deserve to pay less money. I think it's in the constitution or whatever.

Something sad:
Gaby Sanchez will not be joining my fantasy team this year. Thus far in the draft, I haven't really missed out on anyone I was targeting whom I also thought I had a chance to get on my team. Sanchez was the first. Let us all hope he will be the last.

Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something COMPLETELY EFFING RANDOM, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)
"Your skin is something that I stir into my tea."
-Joanna Newsom, "Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie"

Something I hate that most people like:Pink Floyd. I can't really enunciate why I dislike them so much, but I really do. I guess the fact that I've never tried acid has something to do with it. One time I was watching this animated version of Dark Side of the Moon with my way overboard hippie ex-girlfriend. Watching what I perceived as disturbing images while listening to music that was designed purely to be trippy was making me feel literally sick to my stomach. I asked her to turn it off. She was so freaking pissed.

First song to come up after pressing "shuffle" on my iPod:"Bob" from the NOFX/Rancid BYO Split Series.

I don't remember how I discovered this particular gem of brilliance, but can I just say that this is pretty much the greatest idea ever? Two great bands take six songs from the other group and cover them. HEAVEN. You don't have to actually like punk to realize that this is an epic idea. THINK ABOUT IT.

Current album, book, video game, and TV Show:Album: Energy by Operation Ivy
Book: My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok
Video Game: Mass Effect 2
TV Show: Parks and Recreation

Obligatory picture of gorgeous starlet:















Oh, Zooey. Your superiority knows no bounds.

Red Dead RedAWESOME

Red Dead Redemption almost became my favorite game. It was so close! The story is wonderful, the scenery is incredible, and the immersion is without question. The problem is the extra content that drags the experience out to tedious levels. I played it on a PS3, and I take large amounts of enjoyment getting platinum trophies on the games I play. So I went through the game doing every little thing possible in an attempt to get that platinum trophy. Here's the rub: by the time I reached the third section of the game, it seemed so absolutely repetitive that I couldn't wait to finish it. I shouldn't feel that way! I should have been dreading the moment those closing credits rolled. Still, don't get me wrong. It's wonderful. I don't think I've ever enjoyed just traveling around an open-world game like that.

The main complaint I've heard is that it's the same game that's been fed to us again and again over the last ten years through the Grand Theft Auto series, but it replaces mobsters, cartel-members, and street gangs with cowboys, Indians, and Mexicans. I can certainly sympathize with this complaint—particularly because I've grown to absolutely hate GTA games—but there's something just inherently more enjoyable about a western-themed sandbox game. I don't know why I feel differently about RDR, but the fact is that I despised GTA IV within the first 15 minutes, but my love for RDR quickly catapulted to ridiculous levels.

Even though I feel that there's way too much content in the single-player section of the game, I can't argue that it's pulled off brilliantly and is a masterpiece of video game storytelling. What's really soured me on the game is the multiplayer. The fact that the multiplayer trophies are required for platinum bums me out to no end. I'm grinding levels right now to get to level 50, and I find myself really, really eager to finish with this game and move onto something else. My completionist tendencies probably hurt me here, since I must finish what I start before taking on another huge challenge (God of War III is next on my queue, and long overdue). But I'm so close to this platinum that I don't want to stop playing. At the same time, I can't stop playing soon enough.

Rockstar used to be my favorite game developer, purely because GTA 3, GTA: Vice City, and GTA: San Andreas were some of my favorites back in the day. But their formula has gotten tired and repetitive, and I think it's time for an overhaul. I'm not as excited for the next GTA game as I might be.

I'm going to continue grinding up to level 50, and I might work on a few of the DLC trophies, but once I platinum the game, it is unlikely I'll pick it up again. Then again, the online poker and liar's dice might be enough to play it every once in a while, but that remains to be seen. Overall, I think this is a must-play, but if you intend to platinum it, be prepared for some frustration. As for whether I declare it one of my favorite games, I'll have to let it sit in my mind for a while. When I was about halfway through, I thought it would overtake Ocarina of Time, but now I'm not sure where in my top ten it will go. Time will tell.

Ooh, Coins! (or, How Scott Pilgrim Rocked My World)

I recently saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and I loved it. It included all kinds of things I love, such as:

Rock music

Video games

Acoustic guitars

Hot punk-rock girls—I refuse to view Ramona as a hipster, and incidentally…

Hating on hipsters

Hating on vegans

Hot punk-rock girl in, at one point, boyshorts

Ridiculous, over-the-top EVERYTHING

Zelda sound effects

COINS

Basically, it's my new favorite movie. All it needed was some anti-PETA sentiment and it would have been enough for me to swear off other movies forever. I haven't felt any desire to buy a DVD in quite a while, but this one definitely goes on the list. EFF YEAH.

Undead and Uncred-ible

Today, I weep for humanity. I don't know what's worst: that this book can get published in the first place, that I couldn't find a negative review on it anywhere (!), or that it has been contracted for eleven books in the series.

I'm talking, of course, about Mary Janice Davidson's Undead and Unwed.

I'm not sure why I picked up this particular piece of chick-lit brilliance. I guess it sounded like it could be fun. When it was described to me I thought, "Oh, it's got to be tongue-in-cheek. I bet it's hilarious!" Now, I'm sure the author intended for it to seem tongue-in-cheek, but it doesn't take much insight to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is living her fantasy life through this book. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with living a fantasy life through a book. It's just that this one is so shallow. Here's a picture of the author that is printed in the back cover:

A quick synopsis: "sassy" Betsy Taylor is a former model and a current secretary who is obsessed with fashion and has a particular penchant for designer shoes (notice any—well, just one—similarities with the photo above?). She gets attacked by vampires, survives, dies in a freak accident a couple weeks later, and wakes up in the morgue as a vampire. Here's a quote from the morgue when Betsy sees herself in the mirror:

"Interesting shade #23 Lush Golden Blonde highlights. Heyyyyyy.... The woman in the awful suit was me! The woman in the cheap shoes was me! … I slipped one of the shoes off, looked at the inside. Property of Antonia O'Neill Taylor. I knew it. My stepmother! The bitch meant to bury me wearing her cast off shoes!"

Throughout the book, the author spouts all kinds of "smart-mouthed" nonsense and horrible, horrible puns. One of her characters uses the classic line, "She's a poet, and she didn’t even know it!" And you might think that it's supposed to be a cutesy, ironic usage. I sure didn't read it that way. The character (and author) is just corny enough to think that it's funny. And then there's this one:

"I was fast, I was strong, I was…I was SpiderVamp!"

The author perpetuates the horrible phenomenon of making vampires "sexy." Her big gimmick is that when a vampire drinks the blood of a human, it's an orgasmic experience for both parties. Then the vampire has to have sex with the human, or the human will turn into a deranged junkie who can think of nothing else but the sexy, sexy vampire. (This is just a little too much of a look into the author's psyche. I don't want to know her fantasies.) The whole book is oversexed and, oh, there's also a lesbian vampire.

So Betsy learns that she's Queen of the Dead because she fits the description of a prophecy told long ago, but she's a reluctant hero who just wants to hang out and get more shoes. At one point, she's riding in a car with the mysterious and sexy male vampire, Sinclair. Let's visit:

"He started the engine and jerked in his seat as Rob Zombie's 'Living Dead Girl' blared through the speakers.

"'This is intolerable,' Sinclair shouted in a vain attempt to be heard over the music. He lunged for the volume control, then stabbed irritably at the preset buttons. The car was instantly flooded with—gag!—serene string quartet music."

I must give credit where credit is due. The idea of a young vampire woman listening to "Living Dead Girl" makes me smile a bit. But, and I realize that I'm very biased in this situation, her reaction to the classical music is ridiculous. I can be reasonable, though. Sometimes someone just doesn't like a certain kind of music. They wouldn't do something completely rash and unreasonable, though. Right? Let's visit Betsy in a car she's borrowed from Sinclair a few chapters later:

"I had one hand on the steering wheel, and the other was buried in the CD holder up to the elbow. I groped, felt, and pulled. Soundtrack from Amadeus. Nope. I took my hand off the wheel long enough to hit the power button for the window, and out into the night air ole Wolfgang went.

"Beethoven: Violin Concerto. Pass. I tossed it. Sentimento, Andrea Bocelli. Who the hell was she? Toss. Mahler: Symphony Number Five. It probably wasn't any better than symphonies one through four…buh-bye. Chopin: 24 Études. Et tu, Chopin? Kiss pavement.

"…Stupid Sinclair. Even if he wasn't an arrogant cuss, I felt like giving him a kick for his musical taste alone."

There are so many things wrong with this excerpt. I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to ignore her blatant hatred of classical music and get down to the more pertinent issues. First of all, what kind of jerk borrows a car from someone and throws the owner's CDs out the window? Can you think of anyone who would do that? It's unfathomable. Second, the fact that the author thinks that the Amadeus soundtrack is the kind of thing a classical music lover would have in his collection is just…hilarious. Not that there's anything wrong with the soundtrack, but it's essentially random movements from several pieces over the course of Mozart's life. I find it more likely that the guy would own CDs with the pieces in their entirety. Third, the idea that Betsy feels a need to "give [Sinclair] a kick" for his taste in music is the most egotistical, self-centered idea with which she could have possibly closed this section. Finally, how much do you want to bet that as the author painstakingly thought up her delicious little puns and comments on each CD that she thought she was being absolutely hilarious? I'd put money on it.

So the book continues and Betsy is bribed with ten pairs of designer shoes (Seriously. I'm not joking) to do her duty as Queen of the Vampires and defeat the bad guy. Then Betsy and Sinclair have hot and incredibly graphic sex in a swimming pool, but then she gets mad at him for some stupid reason. The book's final paragraphs:

"Now if I could just get Sinclair to quit dropping off pairs of designer shoes. In his last card he said he would drop off a pair a day until I forgave him. I'm up to fourteen pairs of Pradas, eight pairs of Manolos, and six Ferragamos.

"Maybe I'll forgive him…eventually.

"I'm still waiting for this season's red Jimmy Choo slides."

And so it all comes back to shoes. I just don't know what to say. I was expecting the book to be funny, but in an over-the-top sort of way. It's definitely over-the-top, but not quite enough to be funny in the way the author intends. It's really more unintentionally funny, in a very sad way. Kind of like the author's picture.

Ys Is The Best

Words can barely describe my love for Joanna Newsom's Ys. I first heard it coming from a former roommate's bedroom. I don't know why he had it—it's not really his type of music. At first I thought it was musical theater, which is even less his thing, and I was intrigued. I don't think he listened to it again, but I got a copy from him and put it aside for a couple of months. Then I noticed that a good friend of mine had a copy of the record sleeve framed in his house. He told me it was one of his favorite albums. Finally, after a couple more weeks, I plugged in my headphones. It blew my freaking mind. I listened to it repeatedly for the next several months.

In general, I dislike the harp. Why then, you may wonder, is my favorite musician a harp player? It's really the way she plays. First of all, and really most importantly, she completely avoids glissandos. The harp glissando is one of the worst things that ever happened to music, and it makes me want to break down in tears whenever I hear it in an otherwise brilliant piece. Second, she plays incredible contrapuntal accompaniment patterns and picks out melodies that most classical harpists fail to accentuate every time. She's an absolute virtuoso. (On the other hand, I don't really know anything about the intricacies of the harp. It's possible that everything I just wrote is nonsense. But the fact remains: I generally find harp to be a "blah" instrument, but in Ms. Newsom's hands it is angelic.)

Much has been written about Ms. Newsom's voice and most of it is ridiculous. It seems like everyone has jumped on the "fairy" or "childlike" bandwagons, which is really just a simplistic way of trying to place a label on something that one needs to hear in order to truly grasp. Labels often pigeonhole musicians into specific classifications, which I believe does a major disservice to seekers of greatness. If someone had said to me, "You should check out Joanna Newsom! She's a really great harpist and her voice is crazy. It's very childlike," then I may have never bothered to listen. Even the categorization of which instrument she plays may have deterred me; never mind that she plays it like no other harpist I've ever heard. So I think those people that say she sings "fairy music" damage others' abilities to go in with an open mind. I understand that placing labels is unavoidable, and the first person to say that she is reminiscent of a fairy probably really heard it that way. But now every critic that has heard that description perpetuates it, and it takes away from what she really has: a truly unusual—unique, even—voice that is unlike anything that I've ever heard.

The subtleties of the orchestration on the album are incredible. Van Dyke Parks should earn just as much praise as Ms. Newsom for the brilliance of this record. From the opening pizzicato accents to the closing arco chords, the strings are the perfect complement to the relatively sparse texture of harp and voice. One of my favorite moments is during "Emily." The music is growing, and Ms. Newsom is singing, "The whole word stopped to hear you hollering." She places an emphasis on the word "stopped" and, right on cue, the strings rest. As soon as she continues with her line, they continue with their own. This reinforcement and musical commentary of the text continues throughout the album. There are surprises, too: just when you think that "Emily" is going to be limited to lush string accompaniments, Mr. Parks brilliantly includes a mouth harp and banjo. In "Monkey and Bear," winds are added—bassoons, flutes, French horns, and muted trumpets can all be heard. There's even a great moment where an electric guitar arpeggio can be heard, seemingly out of nowhere.

My one minor, minor complaint is the lack of orchestration in "Sawdust and Diamonds." It's a brilliant song, and to some extent a needed rest from the dense texture of the orchestrated content, but what truly places this album so close to my heart is the texture. Perhaps a full orchestra wasn't needed, and it's certainly a fine song without, but some added instruments would have made it absolutely celestial. Nevertheless, it's hard to argue with perfection. The weakest track on this album would easily be the best song on many others, so any negative criticism I might offer hardly applies. As it stands, Ys is easily my favorite album of all time. To anybody who is looking for something different from the standard pop songs that plague the airwaves, this is a great place to look.