Friday, April 29, 2011

Far Too Long Since My Last Rant

Today, I want to talk about horrible Floridian drivers. Most motorists in Florida are despicable people. California has a reputation for bad drivers, but my experience is that it's largely undeserved. Sure, there are jerks that don't know how to drive, but most are fine in California (excluding Los Angeles, of course). Florida is the opposite of that. Finding someone who knows how to drive in Florida is about as rare as finding yourself needing the product that a telemarketer is pushing on you.

Tallahassee is particularly horrible, because the traffic lights in this town are basically Satan's feces smeared all over his domain (which is, of course, Tallahassee). The traffic lights are based on timers, not sensors, and whoever the city planner was that decided on the timing is a moron. Mordecai Brown could have counted on the fingers of his right hand the number of traffic lights that are reasonable in this city. I can't tell you the amount of times I've stopped at a red light and had literally zero cars go by the opposite direction. Infuriating. This leads to a lot of people running red lights. In response, the benevolent City of Tallahassee has adjusted the timers to be more realistic and added sensors for particularly troublesome lights in town. OH WAIT. Nope, instead they instituted traffic cameras and are now pulling in $6,000 a day while decreasing yellow light time to perpetuate their scam. And yet state workers are facing pay cuts, increased costs for benefits, and layoffs. Oh, also: there has been no impact on safety from these cameras. It's just a revenue-generating scheme!

But hey, I'm way off topic. I'm trying to talk about bad
drivers, not the inherently repugnant legal system we have here in town (probably not limited to just Tallahassee, but most of the country, really). I'm just going to point out my three favorite idiot moves of which Florida drivers are regularly guilty:

1. On the freeway, I generally drive about 5 MPH over the speed limit. Many sections of the interstates here in Florida are two-lane, and there's no way I'm getting behind the 18-wheelers on the right side. I'm perfectly happy to get over for cars moving faster than I am and I usually do so. HOWEVAH, at night these faster moving cars like to flash their brights to let you know they're coming. This makes me very angry. The moment those brights flash, I become a total dick and obstinately refuse to move over. If they persist in blinding me, I make sure to get next to a car in the right lane to block them off. Yes, I realize this contributes to the problem of bad drivers in Florida, but it's freaking
insane to flash your brights at someone moving at 75 mph. I'd be interested in finding out just how many accidents this causes.

2. This is surely a problem everywhere (I certainly experienced it in California), but the ridiculously loud stereos that seem designed to project sound
out of the car rather than into it seem to be more prevalent here in Tallahassee. I don't know what these people are trying to prove, other than the fact that they are filthy cockmongers. It's worst when they drive by my apartment at 3:00 AM, engines revving and music blaring. They really should get pulled over for this ridiculous behavior.

3. This one pisses me off more than anything else on the Tallahassee roads. You know when you're at an intersection waiting to turn left and there's no dedicated left turn signal? Tallahassee drivers:
You are supposed to pull out in the intersection while you wait to turn, preferably enough to allow the car behind you to pass over the stop line. I can't tell you how many times I've had to wait through two or more red lights waiting to turn left, even when I'm second or third in line. These are the kinds of things that drive someone to insanity. I don't have twenty minutes to drive a mile.

Anyway, now it's time for me to stop ranting and have some fun. (Haha, yeah right. Everyone knows I just had a lot of fun with that rant. I just love hating so much!)

Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something completely random, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)

"But I'd rather sit back, just smoke cigarettes, be the one with the loudest mouth, be the most closed minded as I could get." Less Than Jake, "Sugar in Your Gas Tank"

Incidentally, I saw Less Than Jake play a couple weeks ago. It was surprisingly spectacular, and they played a bunch of songs from Losing Streak, which is very important. The show would have sucked with no songs from their best album.

Beard of the day:

Christian Bale, as everyone knows, is badass. Then he grew this awesome beard and he became a BAMF. Like me, Batman lacks connectors, but this is totally okay. I like the way he trims it up on the side but grows it thick under his chin. It's certainly not a chin strap (those are lame), but just a little heavier underneath while keeping it neat around the edges. The color is interesting, too. It doesn't quite match his hair, but this is not a problem. I can't say that he's quite taken over for Johnny Depp as my man crush, but with this beard, he's totally on the way. We'll see how Dark Knight Rises is.

Something I hate that most people like:

I can't really think of anything profound. I guess I'm just filled with love today! How about...bananas? Most people like bananas, right? I think they're gross. Ewww.

Delicious food of the moment:

Yogurt Mountain frozen yogurt. This place just opened and...holy crap. I've been frequenting YM way too often, but it's just so good. I love self-serve yogurt places, but they are also inherently corrupt. Did you ever notice that they only provide HUGE cups in which to have your yogurt? Evil. I can't just put a little bit in the bottom! I've got to fill it a decent amount. If they provided a cup half the size, I'd fill it to overflowing, feel like I'm getting more, but would be actually getting less. Psychology is some weird stuff. You can consciously know something and still be unable to overcome the tendency of which you are perfectly aware is wrong and bad. Like my tendency to fill these huge cups with too much yogurt. A few weeks ago, there was a German chocolate flavor, and it was inhumanely good. Then they got rid of it after a week. And yet banana pudding (DISGUSTING) has stuck around since they opened. Management fail. However, I went a couple nights ago and they had a new Swiss chocolate flavor. I mixed it with some peanut butter yogurt and it was basically the best thing I've ever tasted. Again: holy crap.

First song to come up after pressing "shuffle" on my iPod:

"Look Down" from the Les Misérables soundtrack.

Some people dislike Les Misérables. Those people suck. It features pretty much the greatest requisite over-acting ever and it's just so sexy. I'm not sure if I like Jean Valjean or Javert more, I just know that they are both badass. Marius is pretty much "meh." Everyone likes Eponine, and I do too, but I don't think Cosette gets a fair shake. It's probably because actresses tend to sing her parts like an over-the-top soprano (oops, sorry for the redundancy there). This is a problem. Sing like you're in musical theater, not an opera!

Current album, book, video game, and television show:

Album: Keasbey Nights by Catch 22

My buddy gave me a copy of this album and I've been enjoying it for a week or so. Between discovering Streetlight Manifesto (which was formed from the remnants of this band) a few months ago and seeing Less Than Jake, I've been really into ska lately.

Book: Banker by Dick Francis; Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Since it's been so long since I posted, I'm going to go ahead and claim two. I actually started and finished Banker yesterday. It's my second Dick Francis book and I'll definitely read more. He fits into the genre of literature that isn't necessarily profound, but is hard to put down. Similar to Dan Brown books, except Dan Brown is a horrible writer who tells a good story. Dick Francis at least has a handle on the language.

I'm going to finish Crime and Punishment, but I must admit I'm finding it tough. Dostoevsky has a tendency to write paragraphs that are three or four pages long. It makes it hard to follow the action. I'm assuming he was just trying to save paper. In any case, The Brothers Karamazov was a significantly better piece of literature.

Funny story about the Dostoevsky. My wife gave me a bunch of books from her mom's house at Christmas and somehow I got it in my head that it was Tolstoy's War and Peace. I was quite shocked to learn that I was wrong. You know what they say about Russians--they all look the same! (And, you know, write the same.)

Video game: Dragon Age 2

I ordered this the other night and it hasn't arrived yet, so I don't have anything to say. But I'm excited. Damn excited. If I don't take five weeks to post again, it's quite possible this will remain my current video game next post. And then I'll have comments, too!

TV show: Parks and Recreation

This is Parks and Rec's second time in this position. The first time it was still new to me, but now I'm at the point where I think it's the best show on TV. Thursday has three great shows (The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation) and I have really come to look forward to P&R more than any of them. It's also better than Glee, The Simpsons, and maybe even How I Met Your Mother. All the characters are just so likable. In addition, there's Ron Swanson, who is my hero.

Obligatory photo of gorgeous starlet:

Rashida Jones is also highly responsible for Parks and Rec's ascension to the top of my list. Just look at those bangs. Adorable.