Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Good Husband/Bad Husband and Other Randomness

So, I went to the chiropractor today and I realized something random about myself. This incredibly good looking girl was giving me a massage and I started having this fantasy of her propositioning me. Now, you might think that I'm a terrible husband, but the thing is this: in my little daydream, I chuckle and say, "Well, I'm very flattered, but you see, I'm married and I totally love my wife. I'm sorry to deprive you of the awesome that is me, but you're a pretty girl and I'm sure you'll find someone whose beard might someday have the potential to match my own. Now, continue rubbing me in a sensual but non-erotic way. Thank you!" When I really take a close look at it, I realize that I do this all the time. I'm constantly hoping hot girls will hit on me so that I can flash my left hand and shoot them down (gently, because I'm not a jerk). Of course, in order for girls to hit on me, I would need to have something that appealed to them. An epic beard only takes one so far. So am I a good husband because I fantasize about breaking girls hearts on behalf of my wife or am I a bad husband because I fantasize about other girls, never mind the capacity?

Guys don't generally get hit on, anyway. I'm pretty sure the only time that I have been hit on was a joke. I was at this sports bar, not to socialize or drink or really do anything except watch the MLB playoffs (I didn't have cable, you see). Of course,it was a Friday night so the bar is packed, so I find a chair, plant myself in the middle of the floor with the best view of the TV, and ignore everything going on around me. (I'm pretty sure it was the 2007 NLCS, because I remember the Rockies were playing. I'm too lazy to look up who they beat, but this is all beside the point, anyway.) This cute brunette came up to me and said, imitating Austin Powers, "Do I make you horny, baby?" I looked up for a couple seconds, shrugged, and said, "Yeah, a little." Then I turned my attention back to the game. I expect her girlfriends dared her to come over to talk to me as a gag. I mean, I was sitting in a chair by myself in a crowded bar watching TV with no food or drink. I don't see how I could have been particularly alluring. I hope I didn't ruin her night by making her think she got shot downby a loser. It's!
Now for some more randomness.
Gratuitous music quote of the day:
(Don't you just LOVE those people who put "meaningful" music quotes on their Twitter feed or Facebook
status? I want in on this bandwagon! But I'll tell you what's better than something "meaningful"--something completely random, nonsensical, or taken entirely out of context.)
"The corner store sells finer scotch...but who's got uncut powder?"
-NOFX, "Herojuana"

Beard of the day:

As this is my first "beard of the day" feature, I have to start with the man himself, Brian Wilson. Look at those connectors. Those are manly connectors. The thickness, the's all just so good. He is also wearing the orange-billed Giants hat, which earns him extra points of pure awesome. Does he dye or does it just adapt? Who cares?! This is a perfect example of a perfect beard. End of story. You're welcome.

Something I hate that most people like:Olives. Their texture is gross. Their flavor is disgusting. Their ability to ruin otherwise wonderful Mexican, Italian, or Greek food is downright horrifying. How people can eat these little fruits of the devil is beyond me. Like with most food I hate, I want to like them. I see those bars at the grocery store with all the various spiced and stuffed olives and I wish that I liked them so I could get the ones filled with cheese. But I can't, so I don't. They are evil and they ruin some of my otherwise favorite foods. Down with olives!

Delicious food of the moment:

Cheez-Its! How is it possible for one cracker to pack so much cheesy punch? Other crackers are good, but they're better with peanut butter or gouda or some delicious form of soft cheese. Cheez-Its do not need help being delicious. They simply exist and it is deliciousness enough. Wash them down with a nice gold glass of milk and you have a snack that you will not regret. Goldfish never stood a chance! Viva la Cheez-Its!

First song to come up after pressing "shuffle" on my iPod:"Ramble On" by Led Zeppelin.

Besides "Stairway to Heaven," this is the first song that made me aware of Led Zeppelin. It's sad that, while a literally perfect song, "Stairway" managed to overshadow everything else the group ever did. When it comes to pure rock, Led Zeppelin is quite honestly the pinnacle of everything society has always worked toward. And yet, most people only know of them for one song that doesn't really fit in with everything else they did and perpetuates the problem of rock songs reaching past eight minutes. "Ramble On" is a better example of how much they rock at a more reasonable playtime, but it doesn't really show off their blues roots (See Led Zeppelin I for that).

Man, that's the second awesome song that's come up since I started doing this. I have way more embarrassing/lame stuff on my iPod. It's just a matter of time before I am forced to publicly humiliate myself. I can't wait.

Obligatory photo of gorgeous starlet:

Cobie Smulders makes Christmas in March possible. It's just what she does.

1 comment:

  1. Cheese-its are a fantastic snack all on their own. I love them more than chips. How about an obligatory hot dude of the day? Oh, I forgot, you gave us the perfect example of the beard. Who could ask for anything more?